20 Funny Quotes Prepare You for 2020

1. ...you don't care because you're all that and I'm just an artery in a dress.

2. Loki'd!

3. And now,"Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum.

4. Stairs, are they going up or are they going down? They’re so confusing! If love were a physical thing, it would be stairs.

5. I want to go to sleep in my time machine and wake up eight hours in the future.

6. I had a dream about you. You were an escalator, and I was a flight of stairs. You thought I was a Luddite, and I thought I was as ostrich, because I hadn’t figured out how to put the fly in flight. One day you broke down, and then you saw that you and I weren’t so different after all.

7. I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.

8. I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.

9. Come on,"I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear.

10. Hey, Geekoid!"yelled Duncan Dougal, "Why do you read so much? Don't you know how to watch TV?

11. Vodka in the shape of a human body would be an excellent dancing partner. I'm a bring my own chaser kind of lover.

12. He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot,"I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish,"he answered, still kissing me. I laughed."I have an Augustus Waters fetish,"I explained.

13. Paperwork wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for all the paper. And the work.

14. I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.

15. A man wrapped up in himself always suffocates. But his loved ones will forever hold in their hearts the memory of that Christmas.

16. My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it.

17. Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle.

18. Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.

19. My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

20. I have a fear of palindromes. Maybe because the only person to ever beat the hell out of me was a man named Bob.